Doubt

Dear blog,

I am once again inspired by the happenings at my church today. I was all set and ready to lead our covenant group, in the absence of our usual leader, on Doubt. I had volunteered thinking that I was quite well qualified, being possessed of a great amount of doubt, a great number of doubts, or both. Am I working hard enough? Am I muscular enough? Have I done enough to balance out the bad things I've done? Am I going to keep this job? These sorts of things were all rolling around my head at the time, about a week ago, when I volunteered.

And then, someone (who I mentioned in the last post, and anticipate mentioning in future posts), silenced my doubts. Or, perhaps, I let them silence my doubts. Since then, I've finally been doing what my therapist, and therapist's boss (that one time, when he wasn't available...I don't care who I dump on, as long as they have the credentials) have been pushing, which is living in the moment. I have no idea what is going on next week. I guess it's Easter, maybe we'll go visit grandparents. Whatever isn't moving.

Getting a PhD, a masters, beating cancer, losing 50kg of fat, packing on 10kg of muscle, riding 100 miles, again, faster, et cetera -- you kind of have to be hard on yourself to do these things, unless you're just so fabulously talented that they just fall into your wake as you tear across the planet (not me). Recently,I decided, or noticed, that I'd been driving toward the next goal, the next bench mark, the next big accomplishment and associated buzz, for a long time, and that there were certainly plenty of hurdles, accomplishments and associated buzzes to be found ahead. But, after the PhD, the goals just sort of drift off into eternity. What next? Tenure in 5-7 years? A distinguished career award in 35 years? How long am I going to drive hard to get another thrill of achievement here?

In covenant group, where I shared these thoughts, the leader, a woman of 72 years, related that she knew a recently retired professor, who only upon retiring, gave up the long hard drive, and started to reflect on life. I'm not going to be 70+ when I change that horse. It seems, I will be 31, going on 32, and it is now. I'm muscular enough, I work hard enough, and I've done enough good for now. I'm going to take a hot shower, and drink a beer, and not so that I can feel hot and clean later, or relaxed later, but so that I can feel the warming process right now.

That's a change.

Your obedient,
Ian Hogan, PhD